Three interesting things happened to me in the past months. By interesting I mean the collection of them changed my whole view on life.
The first thing was medical. On an ordinary work day, I happened to be visiting the wellness center for some “light-headedness and chest pain”. There was a nurse practitioner on duty. Originally she didn’t have any availability but still decided to see me after hearing the word “chest pain” as it could be literally anything. So she did an EKG, whose result turned out to be borderline, and immediately she offered to call an ambulance for me.
“Wouldn’t that cost a ton of money?” I asked, “Plus, I have a meeting at 3:30.”
She said that she understood that was a lot to take in, but insisted that I should cancel everything and go to the ER. “We women tend to minimize how we feel physically to take care of everything around us,” she said, “but you, the person, have to be here in the first place so you can have that meeting. I hate to see this kind of result on someone so young. At this point, the result could indicate anything. Just promise me that you’ll take an Uber to the ER afterward.”
I mentioned that the ER is only 20 min away on foot and three stops if I take the T. But she gave me a look as if I was stupid enough to allow myself to die on the way. Fine, l said, I’ll take an Uber. Then she let me go.
Of course, I took the T afterward.
Well, that particular episode was followed by two hours of waiting in the ER lobby and three hours of examinations of all sorts. It was interesting enough because I could see all the funny folks hanging around in the lobby (including a guy with a bleeding head on a FaceTime call with his lady who was saying sternly “You know there has to be two people in a relationship and you can’t be there alone.” I thought that was pretty deep)
However, the various examinations worth thousands of dollars of medical bills did not tell me anything about my condition. The only sure thing that came out of that afternoon was that I was not dying anytime in the next week.
But still, I was deeply moved by the speech of that nurse practitioner. I did not plan to die of unknown causes in the next decades, so I would just take things into my own hands. I thought if I could do everything in my power to stay healthy, then I wouldn’t have any regrets even if the worst happened. Basically, I was trying to avoid the “ok I fucked up” thought.
With me being me, I turned to books. Diet and nutrition books at first, then Why We Sleep, then skincare, then cancer prevention, and digestive wellness and allergy. As you can see, I was gaining familiarity with all my body parts and making sure that I was planning the best for them. And lastly, Being Mortal, Medicine and What Matters in the End, a book on caring for the elderly. Here medication comes to its limit, and the realization came to me. It will happen to me. At some point in my life, I will need to use a wheelchair. I will lie in bed all day and be fed fluid and need someone to wipe my wrinkled body. I will struggle to grab even a glass of water. I will lose my sight and hearing. And the most terrifying of them all, I will lose my mind. It is doomed. It is the only written plot in the script of my life if I am lucky.
The realization was powerful. Before it hit me, I was in a lot of internal struggle because of managerial changes and mass layoffs and things as such. Changes were terrifying. I started to wonder what would happen if I were to lose my job. Health insurance came with the job, I counted, and so was the money. Especially the money, which was used to pay for rent and all the whims I found myself in. I had to try so many different things to keep myself together, and they all depended on the job. Shit. I started to wonder what I’d do without a job. Who the hell was I with all those stripped away? I hoped that there was something that remained constant and that I could hold on to. Now there was my answer — that I would most certainly die. Very constant. Try hold on to that.
It is not cheerful. But I promise it is the beginning of a pathway that leads to cheerfulness. Well, let me start by trying the health tips. Sleep eight hours every single day. Eat lots of vegetables, protein, and clean carbs. Cook. Exercise. Meditate. I had always found it hard to get into meditation. Instead of the peace that I sought, meditation had always brought me more struggle and more distraught. But I needed to try it out this time before I completely lose my mind, I told myself. I decided to try guided meditation first and spent a day at a meditation center.
That day was a game-changer. “Instead of shooing away all your thoughts”, the guiding yogi said, “welcome all your thoughts and feelings. Observe them, acknowledge them, and let them be until they fade away. It’s like watching the clouds in a summer sky. Or imagine the thoughts like trains that take you to different places. You hop on one train and lose yourself in the scenery as the world goes by. Just get off the train. Stay for a while before you hop on the next train.”
I loved these analogies. Get off the train, I told myself delightfully. No phone, no internet, no conversation, a whole day went by while I sat there cloud-watching and train hopping. In the end, things did change. I could easily detect my various thoughts and notice how unimaginative and repetitive they were. I also started to figure out where they come from. When I saw a bike shop, my mind brightened up as I thought of the bike shop that I went to regularly. When I saw a donut shop, my mind went, ahh sugar! And it went like that. Every single idea that appeared sprang from some outdated, biased encounter I had or unreliable rumor that I heard. I knew so little about the vast majority of things in this world, and what I did know was so biased, but somehow I let these random modules rule my mind and my life. How absurd!
So I started meditation. Two weeks later, the chest pain was gone. And I was enjoying life in a way I never did before. I started looking forward to going to bed, waking up, preparing breakfast, going to work, exercising, going for a walk, listening to music, reading, and grocery shopping. The ordinary details of everyday life became so interesting. That’s when the second thing happened.
I had a car accident.
On my way back from grocery shopping, a car hit me on the front right of my car. The driver came out, introduced himself, apologized, and offered to give me three hundred bucks to settle it. “I really can’t tell”, I told him, “the damage doesn’t seem insignificant.” “Ok, I’ll give you five hundred,” he said. I couldn’t agree. So the deal was that I got the estimate from an auto shop first before we parted ways. I soon found out that the car was completely un-drivable and had to call a tow company to take it away. In the end, it cost four thousand and two hundred dollars for the repair.
Lucky that I didn’t go with the three hundred, that was one thought. On the other hand, I was in shock. Another realization came to me — accidents happen. Do I know if I’ll have tomorrow? Do I know if I have even the next minute? To be honest, I only have now, this very split second, as it slips by my fingertips. What a waste if I don’t cherish it now. Suddenly my perspectives changed. Many things that were important to me seemed trivial now, and what was in the back of my mind became crucial. When I said something stupid, did it matter? When I farted loudly in public, did it matter? Did it matter if someone I knew didn’t remember my name? Did it matter if I missed a few get-togethers, or a show, or whatever it is? Did anything in the past or future matter?
Life’s too short. I didn’t even care enough to answer these questions. Instead, I knew what I had to do. I wrote down what was important to me, and either started them right away or wrote down the plans for them. I did presentations, made travel plans, played music, and finished a real estate salespersons course. Hooray! I started to enjoy walking around my neighborhood, sitting at the local library for entire afternoons, browsing shop windows, and chatting with shop owners. The world seemed more real when I paid more attention to my surroundings. I took the train to most places when I couldn’t walk there. Life was somehow easier when I didn’t worry about traffic or parking. And that’s when the third thing happened.
It was on a beautiful weekday morning when I took the train to work. There were only a handful of people in the same car with me. Another Asian girl was sitting across from me, listening to music with headphones on. Out of the blue, a tall, Santa-Claus-like old man walked up and smacked her violently in the face. The whole car went silent.
“Why did you do that?” She yelled as she backed away. But the attacker remained in front of her, cursing and waving his arms about. The two-minute ride during that one-stop felt like an eternity, as shouts, screams, and conflicts continued. Eventually, she made it to the rear of the car and pushed the button for security. “Can you send people over?” She requested, “Someone here is trying to kill me.”
The train finally stopped, and everyone in the car ran away and stepped on a different car of the train. Some security guy came over while the cursing went on. “Do you know why,” somebody in the crowd asked. “I don’t know,” the girl answered, “might be a racial thing.”
Might be a racial thing. So it could have been me. And what did I do during that episode? Nothing. I did nothing while watching it happen. I froze. My heartbeat was overwhelmingly fast, and there was only one voice in my head — am I going to die?
It wasn't until much later that other thoughts came to me. Could I have done something to help? Maybe record a video? Maybe call for security earlier? At least could I have some sense remained in me? I tried to keep these running thoughts down as I hurried to work, looking around in paranoia along the way. As I entered the building, I could finally relax, shame and disgust rushing to me. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried.
“There’s nothing else you could do,” people have told me. I had no experience. I thought things like this only existed in the news. But here? Around me? I never saw it coming. I wondered if I were taller, or if I were a man, could I have been less afraid? But there must be something that I, as myself, could have done. I signed up for CPR/First Aid training afterward.
So three unfortunate things already. “It seems like you are in a whirlwind of strange events,” my then-manager remarked. He asked if I knew of Nazar, or the evil eye, which is used everywhere in the Near East culture to keep evil away. “Does it work?” I asked. “I am a scientist at heart,” he said, “but my grandmother threw one in my bag when I headed to the US, and I don’t go anywhere without it.” I thought of the jade Bodhisattva charm that my mom gave me. She had worn it for years, but as I hugged her goodbye the last time I saw her, she took it off and put it around my neck. If anything could protect me from evil, it would be my mother’s love.
In this way, all these events, along with the conversations I had, changed many parts of me. Books helped. I have summarized the books that I read in the first third of 2024 in the link below. I became lazy. I lost interest in lots of things that were draining. I gave up on self-struggle, on worrying too much about anything, on over-accommodating other people, on pretending to be anyone other than myself, on saying anything false or insincere, and on spending time with people who do not see me.
But I also became diligent — If I only have one life, I need to make sure that everything has a meaning, not to the outside world, but to me. If there are undying wishes inside me, I am making them come true, or embarking on a journey to prepare for them. If I have my body, if I have my brain, I should use them to the best of their advantage. I will move my body, keep it fit, and feel its function and strength. I will expose my mind to new knowledge, new terrain, and new perspectives, to keep it kind and sharp. Trauma, shame, and whatever that makes me uncomfortable, or is hidden in the back of my mind, I’ll take them out and stare at them straight in the eye. I’ll cherish all the kind people in my life and tell them that I appreciate them and see them as who they are.
It is a lot, and I am just taking the first step. I am embracing freedom.
Booklist 2024 -1/3: https://sparklingwatermelon-2306.xlog.app/vIOG0YYtDPMHRysQnv6rW